So, I was dealing with the miscarriage quite well, I thought. People kept asking me how I was doing with it. I would always respond by saying, "I'm fine". Really I was. I felt like everyone wanted or expected me to be doing bad or at least worse than I was. I talked with my mom every day for the first few days. I told her that I was fine and that I thought everyone expected me to be doing worse. She told me that it was OK to feel that way, that everyone deals with it differently.
I think that if we had been trying a lot harder, as in, taking my temperature and charting my cycles a bit closer than I was, that it would be more difficult. Yes we were trying, but not in the sense that we were doing it every other day or, like I said, temping, we were going with the flow. I think that if I had gotten a positive test, that would have been harder. Or if I had been eight or ten weeks along. Or close to an ultrasound. Or had gotten to the ultrasound and not found a heartbeat. I could think of all of these reasons that would have made it harder. I really was doing OK.
I had a physical back in January and was prompted by my husband to ask about testing about why I hadn't gotten pregnant. When she did my pap she also ran some other tests for infections and whatnot. They came back negative but I did have some abnormal cells. She isn't concerned since my HPV test was negative. She also suggested that my husband, Tony, go for sperm testing. He went after a bit of whining. The thinking was that if the problem was him that it would be easier and cheaper to fix his problem. That, if the problem was with me it would be harder on us as a couple to fix. A lot of procedures and cost. A lot of testing and a lot of drugs.
We got his results about a week after the miscarriage, I'm not 'fine' anymore. He has minor-low-mobility, minor-low count and some abnormal sperm. We don't know exactly what that means or how it has effected me not getting pregnant. We can only assume that is the cause. I know I am ovulating. What if his abnormal swimmers were the cause of the miscarriage? What if my abnormal cells were the cause?
With his results I am not doing as well. I feel like that was my only chance. My only pregnancy in 16 cycles. What if it takes another 16 to get pregnant again, what if that one doesn't stick? What if...What if...What if?
I also have developed and inability to 'perform'. I feel that I have a 'mental block' that is stopping me from having sex. I'm not just having bad sex, I can't do it, at all. Its uncomfortable, mentally and slightly physically painful. Last time we tried this past Friday night, I broke down and cried, bawled actually for over a half hour.
Tony is supposed to go for more tests at a reproductive endocrinologist. How much is that going to cost? From the little research I've done I will still have to go for my own testing and drugs. It also means that we may have to do IVF or an IUI anyway. More money, more tests and more stress. It may as well have been me with the problem.
I am such an all or nothing type person. I feel that I am standing on an edge, that I need to chose to go forward and go all the way or that I need to not do anything. Do we continue to just go with the flow and hope it happens or do we go down the path of medical assistance? What if we choose to continue with medical testing? If the first attempt or procedures don't work will we then think that we should move on to the next, and the next and the next? At what point do we think that we could stop all of the medical assistance and accept being a childless couple? Could I accept that now? Can I let go now? Can I handle not ever getting pregnant? Will I feel like a failure as a woman? I am really struggling with all of these questions. I know that these questions cannot be answered now, that I just need to take it one day at a time.
I think we will go ahead with the testing, to at least see if we can learn our probability of getting pregnant on our own, with out the drugs and medical assistance.
I think that will be my new plan.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Miscarriage
My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since September 2007.
This week Monday I had some extremely light spotting. It lined up with what would be implantation bleeding (when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus). I was excited but not too hopeful. Tuesday I had nothing. Wednesday I started spotting early in the morning, mid morning I would consider to be light. Wednesday afternoon I had a very heavy flow. Thursday my flow was the heaviest I had ever had. There was a lot of tissue and clots by that night. The thought crossed my mind that I may be having an early miscarriage. I went through two tampons and a 'back up' pad Thursday night. It was bright red. Friday morning was more of the same. I was starting to feel a bit light headed through out the day and a bit shaky. I don't have an OB/GYN so I called my family doctor nurse late in the work day on Friday. She confirmed my fears, I have had an early miscarriage. She advised me to keep an eye on my flow, since it was bright red and I had been feeling light headed, and possibly go to the urgent care clinic today. I may need a D&C.
After I got off the phone with her I called my husband, up until that point he thought I was a bit nuts. How could I have a miscarriage this early? There wasn't even a chance to have a positive pregnancy test. I told him what the nurse had said. He is really bummed. I then had to talk to my boss about some things that had gone on during the day. By the time I got to his office I was crying. The Administrative Assistant first saw me and I was then bawling. We headed to my bosses office and closed the door. I was hysterical, I couldn't even talk. I tried to say 'I'm having a miscarriage' but the words didn't come out right. I gathered my self took a deep breath looked him in the eye and said 'miscarriage'. They both gasped. The next thing I knew I was sitting down in his office. They wouldn't let me drive home, even though its a mile away. I didn't realize I had been shaking. My boss finished up my work that I had left to do – something he would have never done under normal circumstances.
About a half hour later I got home and my husband was home early waiting for me. He drove us to our hair cuts. Life goes on right? After, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Then I went home and put my feet up.
When I went to bed I cried a lot more. I couldn't sleep. Tony convinced me to take a pain killer for my headache and cramps with a sleep agent. I was able to sleep soundly without remembering my dreams. I feel a bit weepy today, foggy and groggy. My flow has lightened up quite a bit but I have more cramps today. I will not be going in for the D&C today.
More about how I feel later...
This week Monday I had some extremely light spotting. It lined up with what would be implantation bleeding (when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus). I was excited but not too hopeful. Tuesday I had nothing. Wednesday I started spotting early in the morning, mid morning I would consider to be light. Wednesday afternoon I had a very heavy flow. Thursday my flow was the heaviest I had ever had. There was a lot of tissue and clots by that night. The thought crossed my mind that I may be having an early miscarriage. I went through two tampons and a 'back up' pad Thursday night. It was bright red. Friday morning was more of the same. I was starting to feel a bit light headed through out the day and a bit shaky. I don't have an OB/GYN so I called my family doctor nurse late in the work day on Friday. She confirmed my fears, I have had an early miscarriage. She advised me to keep an eye on my flow, since it was bright red and I had been feeling light headed, and possibly go to the urgent care clinic today. I may need a D&C.
After I got off the phone with her I called my husband, up until that point he thought I was a bit nuts. How could I have a miscarriage this early? There wasn't even a chance to have a positive pregnancy test. I told him what the nurse had said. He is really bummed. I then had to talk to my boss about some things that had gone on during the day. By the time I got to his office I was crying. The Administrative Assistant first saw me and I was then bawling. We headed to my bosses office and closed the door. I was hysterical, I couldn't even talk. I tried to say 'I'm having a miscarriage' but the words didn't come out right. I gathered my self took a deep breath looked him in the eye and said 'miscarriage'. They both gasped. The next thing I knew I was sitting down in his office. They wouldn't let me drive home, even though its a mile away. I didn't realize I had been shaking. My boss finished up my work that I had left to do – something he would have never done under normal circumstances.
About a half hour later I got home and my husband was home early waiting for me. He drove us to our hair cuts. Life goes on right? After, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Then I went home and put my feet up.
When I went to bed I cried a lot more. I couldn't sleep. Tony convinced me to take a pain killer for my headache and cramps with a sleep agent. I was able to sleep soundly without remembering my dreams. I feel a bit weepy today, foggy and groggy. My flow has lightened up quite a bit but I have more cramps today. I will not be going in for the D&C today.
More about how I feel later...
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Depression
Depression is something that I struggle with now and probably will for the rest of my life. Now that I am on meds and can look back with a clear mind I can see just how bad it was. I can also see that it is something I have dealt with for most of my life - I just passed it off as something else. I think 5th grade was the first time I can remember not feeling right. I would dread going to school, being in a classroom with a bunch of kids I thought were severely judging me. In 7th grade I saw my first therapist, I didn't like her, I didn't think I was that bad. By the time I was a freshman in high school my dad died. I passed my depression off as my grieving process. As high school progressed I passed it off as normal teenage angst. My brother's divorce and cancer, my mom's new marriage, moving from the house I grew up in. I told myself that all of those things and events in my life were what was wrong with me - too much to deal with. I started to rebel.
When I met my husband I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I didn't think I was still depressed - hell I had never admitted to myself that is what I had been dealing with for most of my life at that point.
About two years after Tony and I got married I started to get sad. I thought about leaving him for no good reason, just to run. I started to see a therapist, one that I like.
This past summer something triggered what I thought was a deep depression. I wanted to run again. I told Tony what was going on and he listened, not knowing what to do or the severity, I didn't know the severity. With the help of friends I thought I had climbed my way out of the hole that was my depression.
This past fall things got really bad. I 'hid' myself behind books, how else could I read four novels in two weeks? When I finished the books I felt that I had nothing else to hide behind. I told Tony I was thinking about leaving. I had already started to pack in my head. This is mine, he would keep the dog, I get this car, who would live in the house, where I would live. I told him everything. Then I told him that I wouldn't leave unless it was amicable. He would have a say in our future, this was not something I would blindside him with. I then tried to tell him how to fight for me. That he wasn't allowed to let me go. All he had to do was give me permission to go and I would. The next morning he called my therapist and got us into an 'emergency' session. Two days later I started to really flip out.
It was like, now that I finally admitted that I had a problem, my mind let lose. I struggled to be in public, I felt like everyone was watching and judging me. I couldn't even Christmas shop, the mall was like torture. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I lost six pounds in 5 days. The only way I could hold myself together was with smoking. After quiting for almost five years I started again. One night we went out to eat, (I would try to eat anything that sounded good) I flipped out. I couldn't put more than four words together, I couldn't think any thing coherent. In the car on the way home I couldn't control my tone or my pitch in my voice. I was seriously flipping out. I started my antidepressants that night. At my next therapy appointment I was told that I was probably a day away from being admitted to a mental hospital. If my therapist had seen me like that she would have admitted me herself.
I am doing better now. Ive learned that my instinct to leave Tony was not completely about Tony or our marriage, but rather about running. I wanted to run away. Tony and I still have problems and we still go to therapy together and I go alone. I am working through my issues. I am learning about my depression, I am accepting that I have a problem but it is not something that I can't handle. I want to get better, I want to be happy. My drugs are working...
I still fear the future and I am learning to live in the now, to feel my feelings, not to stuff them to the back of my mind. I am learning that I can talk about it with people and that I am not alone. I don't feel the need to run. I am learning that I have a long road ahead of me. A road that I don't have to walk alone. Tony won't give me permission to leave. He is fighting for me. For me to get better just as hard as I am.
I am getting better, slowly.
When I met my husband I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I didn't think I was still depressed - hell I had never admitted to myself that is what I had been dealing with for most of my life at that point.
About two years after Tony and I got married I started to get sad. I thought about leaving him for no good reason, just to run. I started to see a therapist, one that I like.
This past summer something triggered what I thought was a deep depression. I wanted to run again. I told Tony what was going on and he listened, not knowing what to do or the severity, I didn't know the severity. With the help of friends I thought I had climbed my way out of the hole that was my depression.
This past fall things got really bad. I 'hid' myself behind books, how else could I read four novels in two weeks? When I finished the books I felt that I had nothing else to hide behind. I told Tony I was thinking about leaving. I had already started to pack in my head. This is mine, he would keep the dog, I get this car, who would live in the house, where I would live. I told him everything. Then I told him that I wouldn't leave unless it was amicable. He would have a say in our future, this was not something I would blindside him with. I then tried to tell him how to fight for me. That he wasn't allowed to let me go. All he had to do was give me permission to go and I would. The next morning he called my therapist and got us into an 'emergency' session. Two days later I started to really flip out.
It was like, now that I finally admitted that I had a problem, my mind let lose. I struggled to be in public, I felt like everyone was watching and judging me. I couldn't even Christmas shop, the mall was like torture. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I lost six pounds in 5 days. The only way I could hold myself together was with smoking. After quiting for almost five years I started again. One night we went out to eat, (I would try to eat anything that sounded good) I flipped out. I couldn't put more than four words together, I couldn't think any thing coherent. In the car on the way home I couldn't control my tone or my pitch in my voice. I was seriously flipping out. I started my antidepressants that night. At my next therapy appointment I was told that I was probably a day away from being admitted to a mental hospital. If my therapist had seen me like that she would have admitted me herself.
I am doing better now. Ive learned that my instinct to leave Tony was not completely about Tony or our marriage, but rather about running. I wanted to run away. Tony and I still have problems and we still go to therapy together and I go alone. I am working through my issues. I am learning about my depression, I am accepting that I have a problem but it is not something that I can't handle. I want to get better, I want to be happy. My drugs are working...
I still fear the future and I am learning to live in the now, to feel my feelings, not to stuff them to the back of my mind. I am learning that I can talk about it with people and that I am not alone. I don't feel the need to run. I am learning that I have a long road ahead of me. A road that I don't have to walk alone. Tony won't give me permission to leave. He is fighting for me. For me to get better just as hard as I am.
I am getting better, slowly.
Monday, January 19, 2009
music
I missed music. I hadn't realized that my recent deep depression had me pushing it from my life. I forgot how music can move me. How it reminds me of my past - both good and bad memories. How it can lift my spirit. It can take me back years, decades even. It brings back feelings and smells, even the weather. Music is one of the things that helps me connect to my past.
I guess you could say that I had been avoiding it recently. I wasn't listening to my ipod at all. I wasn't seeking new music, I wasn't finding any connection. Since starting on my antidepressants I have rediscovered my music. I used to sing in the car, in the shower, while cooking. That is all starting to come back to me. My ipod is always with me now, I'm reconnecting. It helps me reconnect to me, to help me feel my feelings. I can better express what I am feeling when I find a lyric that describes my mood. The lyrics help me put words to my sometimes word-less feelings.
I think that with music back in my life and the right prescription I can find my way back to me.
I have a very eclectic taste in music. Some of the artists I like are:
First and foremost Matchbox Twenty and Rob Thomas. Matchbox got me through some tough times in my life. I first found them when my dad was dying.
Sarah Bareilles
When I was in 5th grade Bette Midler was better than sliced bread.
Daughtry
In high school - The Goo Goo Dolls
Alanis Morissette
Britney Spears - when I want to feel dirty
Buck Cherry
Celine Dion
Creed
Dixie Chicks
Domestic Problems - only one song really, 'Untitled' - the accoustic version
Jewel
Led Zeppelin
Madonna
Maroon 5
Norah Jones
Pop Evil
Queen
Tori Amos
and some country here and there
I also like musicals and soundtracks
Chicago
Moulin Rouge
The Phantom of the Opera
The Mission - only when I feel strong enough, it reminds me of my dad, often there is just too much emotion to listen to it.
What is your favorite music?
I guess you could say that I had been avoiding it recently. I wasn't listening to my ipod at all. I wasn't seeking new music, I wasn't finding any connection. Since starting on my antidepressants I have rediscovered my music. I used to sing in the car, in the shower, while cooking. That is all starting to come back to me. My ipod is always with me now, I'm reconnecting. It helps me reconnect to me, to help me feel my feelings. I can better express what I am feeling when I find a lyric that describes my mood. The lyrics help me put words to my sometimes word-less feelings.
I think that with music back in my life and the right prescription I can find my way back to me.
I have a very eclectic taste in music. Some of the artists I like are:
First and foremost Matchbox Twenty and Rob Thomas. Matchbox got me through some tough times in my life. I first found them when my dad was dying.
Sarah Bareilles
When I was in 5th grade Bette Midler was better than sliced bread.
Daughtry
In high school - The Goo Goo Dolls
Alanis Morissette
Britney Spears - when I want to feel dirty
Buck Cherry
Celine Dion
Creed
Dixie Chicks
Domestic Problems - only one song really, 'Untitled' - the accoustic version
Jewel
Led Zeppelin
Madonna
Maroon 5
Norah Jones
Pop Evil
Queen
Tori Amos
and some country here and there
I also like musicals and soundtracks
Chicago
Moulin Rouge
The Phantom of the Opera
The Mission - only when I feel strong enough, it reminds me of my dad, often there is just too much emotion to listen to it.
What is your favorite music?
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Because All The Cool Kids Are Doing It
Ive joined the Twitter band wagon... check me out at www.twitter.com/StacieRae
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
People Watching
So, I'm at my favorite coffee shop waiting for my friend to arrive and dinkin' around on my laptop and there's this guy that I can't stop watching. He's on his laptop and every now and then he starts to giggle to himself, trying not to be loud but I can hear him over my headphones. Minutes later he looks pissed, swearing to himself and everything. He then continues to read whatever it is that he is looking at...he is totally a mouth reader. I can practically read his lips.
Later, after Patti and I had been playing cards for a while the chess 'club' comes in. Its not an uncommon thing here. There is even a sign on the door that says "all chess games must be completed an hour before close". Two guys come in and sit a table next to us. They are playing chess with a 'Muppet's' themed set. A few minutes later there are probably 10 guys hanging out around two other tables watching and playing in a tournament fashion. They are kind of rowdy. Yelling moves at each other and cheering others on. It was interesting to me that they completely ignored the guys playing with the 'Muppet' set. The spectators were surrounding their table watching the two other games going on around them. These 10 other guys didn't even glance at the 'Muppet' players... I found this interesting.
Watching people reminds me of my dad. Any crowded place he would constantly be watching people. I love watching my dad watch others. I remember going to Cedar Point when I was younger. He would be able to tell the dynamic of the group he was watching. Things like, "they're newly weds", or "he's trying to get his step-son to like him more, its not working". Occasionally he would make small talk with the people in line with us, the sometimes 2 hour line for a 2 minute roller coaster ride. Assuring the kids around us that there is nothing to fear about this "awesome ride" even he'd never ridden it himself. I guess you could say that through this he taught me to be a better observer. I could sit and watch people for hours. I enjoy it. I enjoy watching the people around me in crowded places. My favorite places are at out side concerts, amusement parks, and the 4th of July carnival. It's amazing the things people do when they think no one is watching or the things they say when they think no one is listening is fascinating.
My dad died when I was 15, a freshman in high school. I miss him the most when I realize I am doing things he 'accidentally' taught me.
Thanks Dad for teaching me to be a better observer and therefore a better listener. I miss you, I love you.
Later, after Patti and I had been playing cards for a while the chess 'club' comes in. Its not an uncommon thing here. There is even a sign on the door that says "all chess games must be completed an hour before close". Two guys come in and sit a table next to us. They are playing chess with a 'Muppet's' themed set. A few minutes later there are probably 10 guys hanging out around two other tables watching and playing in a tournament fashion. They are kind of rowdy. Yelling moves at each other and cheering others on. It was interesting to me that they completely ignored the guys playing with the 'Muppet' set. The spectators were surrounding their table watching the two other games going on around them. These 10 other guys didn't even glance at the 'Muppet' players... I found this interesting.
Watching people reminds me of my dad. Any crowded place he would constantly be watching people. I love watching my dad watch others. I remember going to Cedar Point when I was younger. He would be able to tell the dynamic of the group he was watching. Things like, "they're newly weds", or "he's trying to get his step-son to like him more, its not working". Occasionally he would make small talk with the people in line with us, the sometimes 2 hour line for a 2 minute roller coaster ride. Assuring the kids around us that there is nothing to fear about this "awesome ride" even he'd never ridden it himself. I guess you could say that through this he taught me to be a better observer. I could sit and watch people for hours. I enjoy it. I enjoy watching the people around me in crowded places. My favorite places are at out side concerts, amusement parks, and the 4th of July carnival. It's amazing the things people do when they think no one is watching or the things they say when they think no one is listening is fascinating.
My dad died when I was 15, a freshman in high school. I miss him the most when I realize I am doing things he 'accidentally' taught me.
Thanks Dad for teaching me to be a better observer and therefore a better listener. I miss you, I love you.
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