Depression

Depression is something that I struggle with now and probably will for the rest of my life. Now that I am on meds and can look back with a clear mind I can see just how bad it was. I can also see that it is something I have dealt with for most of my life - I just passed it off as something else. I think 5th grade was the first time I can remember not feeling right. I would dread going to school, being in a classroom with a bunch of kids I thought were severely judging me. In 7th grade I saw my first therapist, I didn't like her, I didn't think I was that bad. By the time I was a freshman in high school my dad died. I passed my depression off as my grieving process. As high school progressed I passed it off as normal teenage angst. My brother's divorce and cancer, my mom's new marriage, moving from the house I grew up in. I told myself that all of those things and events in my life were what was wrong with me - too much to deal with. I started to rebel.

When I met my husband I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I didn't think I was still depressed - hell I had never admitted to myself that is what I had been dealing with for most of my life at that point.

About two years after Tony and I got married I started to get sad. I thought about leaving him for no good reason, just to run. I started to see a therapist, one that I like.

This past summer something triggered what I thought was a deep depression. I wanted to run again. I told Tony what was going on and he listened, not knowing what to do or the severity, I didn't know the severity. With the help of friends I thought I had climbed my way out of the hole that was my depression.

This past fall things got really bad. I 'hid' myself behind books, how else could I read four novels in two weeks? When I finished the books I felt that I had nothing else to hide behind. I told Tony I was thinking about leaving. I had already started to pack in my head. This is mine, he would keep the dog, I get this car, who would live in the house, where I would live. I told him everything. Then I told him that I wouldn't leave unless it was amicable. He would have a say in our future, this was not something I would blindside him with. I then tried to tell him how to fight for me. That he wasn't allowed to let me go. All he had to do was give me permission to go and I would. The next morning he called my therapist and got us into an 'emergency' session. Two days later I started to really flip out.

It was like, now that I finally admitted that I had a problem, my mind let lose. I struggled to be in public, I felt like everyone was watching and judging me. I couldn't even Christmas shop, the mall was like torture. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I lost six pounds in 5 days. The only way I could hold myself together was with smoking. After quiting for almost five years I started again. One night we went out to eat, (I would try to eat anything that sounded good) I flipped out. I couldn't put more than four words together, I couldn't think any thing coherent. In the car on the way home I couldn't control my tone or my pitch in my voice. I was seriously flipping out. I started my antidepressants that night. At my next therapy appointment I was told that I was probably a day away from being admitted to a mental hospital. If my therapist had seen me like that she would have admitted me herself.

I am doing better now. Ive learned that my instinct to leave Tony was not completely about Tony or our marriage, but rather about running. I wanted to run away. Tony and I still have problems and we still go to therapy together and I go alone. I am working through my issues. I am learning about my depression, I am accepting that I have a problem but it is not something that I can't handle. I want to get better, I want to be happy. My drugs are working...

I still fear the future and I am learning to live in the now, to feel my feelings, not to stuff them to the back of my mind. I am learning that I can talk about it with people and that I am not alone. I don't feel the need to run. I am learning that I have a long road ahead of me. A road that I don't have to walk alone. Tony won't give me permission to leave. He is fighting for me. For me to get better just as hard as I am.

I am getting better, slowly.