Miscarriage After-Math

So, I was dealing with the miscarriage quite well, I thought. People kept asking me how I was doing with it. I would always respond by saying, "I'm fine". Really I was. I felt like everyone wanted or expected me to be doing bad or at least worse than I was. I talked with my mom every day for the first few days. I told her that I was fine and that I thought everyone expected me to be doing worse. She told me that it was OK to feel that way, that everyone deals with it differently.

I think that if we had been trying a lot harder, as in, taking my temperature and charting my cycles a bit closer than I was, that it would be more difficult. Yes we were trying, but not in the sense that we were doing it every other day or, like I said, temping, we were going with the flow. I think that if I had gotten a positive test, that would have been harder. Or if I had been eight or ten weeks along. Or close to an ultrasound. Or had gotten to the ultrasound and not found a heartbeat. I could think of all of these reasons that would have made it harder. I really was doing OK.

I had a physical back in January and was prompted by my husband to ask about testing about why I hadn't gotten pregnant. When she did my pap she also ran some other tests for infections and whatnot. They came back negative but I did have some abnormal cells. She isn't concerned since my HPV test was negative. She also suggested that my husband, Tony, go for sperm testing. He went after a bit of whining. The thinking was that if the problem was him that it would be easier and cheaper to fix his problem. That, if the problem was with me it would be harder on us as a couple to fix. A lot of procedures and cost. A lot of testing and a lot of drugs.

We got his results about a week after the miscarriage, I'm not 'fine' anymore. He has minor-low-mobility, minor-low count and some abnormal sperm. We don't know exactly what that means or how it has effected me not getting pregnant. We can only assume that is the cause. I know I am ovulating. What if his abnormal swimmers were the cause of the miscarriage? What if my abnormal cells were the cause?

With his results I am not doing as well. I feel like that was my only chance. My only pregnancy in 16 cycles. What if it takes another 16 to get pregnant again, what if that one doesn't stick? What if...What if...What if?

I also have developed and inability to 'perform'. I feel that I have a 'mental block' that is stopping me from having sex. I'm not just having bad sex, I can't do it, at all. Its uncomfortable, mentally and slightly physically painful. Last time we tried this past Friday night, I broke down and cried, bawled actually for over a half hour.

Tony is supposed to go for more tests at a reproductive endocrinologist. How much is that going to cost? From the little research I've done I will still have to go for my own testing and drugs. It also means that we may have to do IVF or an IUI anyway. More money, more tests and more stress. It may as well have been me with the problem.

I am such an all or nothing type person. I feel that I am standing on an edge, that I need to chose to go forward and go all the way or that I need to not do anything. Do we continue to just go with the flow and hope it happens or do we go down the path of medical assistance? What if we choose to continue with medical testing? If the first attempt or procedures don't work will we then think that we should move on to the next, and the next and the next? At what point do we think that we could stop all of the medical assistance and accept being a childless couple? Could I accept that now? Can I let go now? Can I handle not ever getting pregnant? Will I feel like a failure as a woman? I am really struggling with all of these questions. I know that these questions cannot be answered now, that I just need to take it one day at a time.
I think we will go ahead with the testing, to at least see if we can learn our probability of getting pregnant on our own, with out the drugs and medical assistance.

I think that will be my new plan.

Miscarriage

My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant since September 2007.

This week Monday I had some extremely light spotting. It lined up with what would be implantation bleeding (when the egg implants into the wall of the uterus). I was excited but not too hopeful. Tuesday I had nothing. Wednesday I started spotting early in the morning, mid morning I would consider to be light. Wednesday afternoon I had a very heavy flow. Thursday my flow was the heaviest I had ever had. There was a lot of tissue and clots by that night. The thought crossed my mind that I may be having an early miscarriage. I went through two tampons and a 'back up' pad Thursday night. It was bright red. Friday morning was more of the same. I was starting to feel a bit light headed through out the day and a bit shaky. I don't have an OB/GYN so I called my family doctor nurse late in the work day on Friday. She confirmed my fears, I have had an early miscarriage. She advised me to keep an eye on my flow, since it was bright red and I had been feeling light headed, and possibly go to the urgent care clinic today. I may need a D&C.

After I got off the phone with her I called my husband, up until that point he thought I was a bit nuts. How could I have a miscarriage this early? There wasn't even a chance to have a positive pregnancy test. I told him what the nurse had said. He is really bummed. I then had to talk to my boss about some things that had gone on during the day. By the time I got to his office I was crying. The Administrative Assistant first saw me and I was then bawling. We headed to my bosses office and closed the door. I was hysterical, I couldn't even talk. I tried to say 'I'm having a miscarriage' but the words didn't come out right. I gathered my self took a deep breath looked him in the eye and said 'miscarriage'. They both gasped. The next thing I knew I was sitting down in his office. They wouldn't let me drive home, even though its a mile away. I didn't realize I had been shaking. My boss finished up my work that I had left to do – something he would have never done under normal circumstances.

About a half hour later I got home and my husband was home early waiting for me. He drove us to our hair cuts. Life goes on right? After, we went to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants. Then I went home and put my feet up.

When I went to bed I cried a lot more. I couldn't sleep. Tony convinced me to take a pain killer for my headache and cramps with a sleep agent. I was able to sleep soundly without remembering my dreams. I feel a bit weepy today, foggy and groggy. My flow has lightened up quite a bit but I have more cramps today. I will not be going in for the D&C today.

More about how I feel later...