Miscarriage After-Math

So, I was dealing with the miscarriage quite well, I thought. People kept asking me how I was doing with it. I would always respond by saying, "I'm fine". Really I was. I felt like everyone wanted or expected me to be doing bad or at least worse than I was. I talked with my mom every day for the first few days. I told her that I was fine and that I thought everyone expected me to be doing worse. She told me that it was OK to feel that way, that everyone deals with it differently.

I think that if we had been trying a lot harder, as in, taking my temperature and charting my cycles a bit closer than I was, that it would be more difficult. Yes we were trying, but not in the sense that we were doing it every other day or, like I said, temping, we were going with the flow. I think that if I had gotten a positive test, that would have been harder. Or if I had been eight or ten weeks along. Or close to an ultrasound. Or had gotten to the ultrasound and not found a heartbeat. I could think of all of these reasons that would have made it harder. I really was doing OK.

I had a physical back in January and was prompted by my husband to ask about testing about why I hadn't gotten pregnant. When she did my pap she also ran some other tests for infections and whatnot. They came back negative but I did have some abnormal cells. She isn't concerned since my HPV test was negative. She also suggested that my husband, Tony, go for sperm testing. He went after a bit of whining. The thinking was that if the problem was him that it would be easier and cheaper to fix his problem. That, if the problem was with me it would be harder on us as a couple to fix. A lot of procedures and cost. A lot of testing and a lot of drugs.

We got his results about a week after the miscarriage, I'm not 'fine' anymore. He has minor-low-mobility, minor-low count and some abnormal sperm. We don't know exactly what that means or how it has effected me not getting pregnant. We can only assume that is the cause. I know I am ovulating. What if his abnormal swimmers were the cause of the miscarriage? What if my abnormal cells were the cause?

With his results I am not doing as well. I feel like that was my only chance. My only pregnancy in 16 cycles. What if it takes another 16 to get pregnant again, what if that one doesn't stick? What if...What if...What if?

I also have developed and inability to 'perform'. I feel that I have a 'mental block' that is stopping me from having sex. I'm not just having bad sex, I can't do it, at all. Its uncomfortable, mentally and slightly physically painful. Last time we tried this past Friday night, I broke down and cried, bawled actually for over a half hour.

Tony is supposed to go for more tests at a reproductive endocrinologist. How much is that going to cost? From the little research I've done I will still have to go for my own testing and drugs. It also means that we may have to do IVF or an IUI anyway. More money, more tests and more stress. It may as well have been me with the problem.

I am such an all or nothing type person. I feel that I am standing on an edge, that I need to chose to go forward and go all the way or that I need to not do anything. Do we continue to just go with the flow and hope it happens or do we go down the path of medical assistance? What if we choose to continue with medical testing? If the first attempt or procedures don't work will we then think that we should move on to the next, and the next and the next? At what point do we think that we could stop all of the medical assistance and accept being a childless couple? Could I accept that now? Can I let go now? Can I handle not ever getting pregnant? Will I feel like a failure as a woman? I am really struggling with all of these questions. I know that these questions cannot be answered now, that I just need to take it one day at a time.
I think we will go ahead with the testing, to at least see if we can learn our probability of getting pregnant on our own, with out the drugs and medical assistance.

I think that will be my new plan.