Depression

Depression is something that I struggle with now and probably will for the rest of my life. Now that I am on meds and can look back with a clear mind I can see just how bad it was. I can also see that it is something I have dealt with for most of my life - I just passed it off as something else. I think 5th grade was the first time I can remember not feeling right. I would dread going to school, being in a classroom with a bunch of kids I thought were severely judging me. In 7th grade I saw my first therapist, I didn't like her, I didn't think I was that bad. By the time I was a freshman in high school my dad died. I passed my depression off as my grieving process. As high school progressed I passed it off as normal teenage angst. My brother's divorce and cancer, my mom's new marriage, moving from the house I grew up in. I told myself that all of those things and events in my life were what was wrong with me - too much to deal with. I started to rebel.

When I met my husband I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. I didn't think I was still depressed - hell I had never admitted to myself that is what I had been dealing with for most of my life at that point.

About two years after Tony and I got married I started to get sad. I thought about leaving him for no good reason, just to run. I started to see a therapist, one that I like.

This past summer something triggered what I thought was a deep depression. I wanted to run again. I told Tony what was going on and he listened, not knowing what to do or the severity, I didn't know the severity. With the help of friends I thought I had climbed my way out of the hole that was my depression.

This past fall things got really bad. I 'hid' myself behind books, how else could I read four novels in two weeks? When I finished the books I felt that I had nothing else to hide behind. I told Tony I was thinking about leaving. I had already started to pack in my head. This is mine, he would keep the dog, I get this car, who would live in the house, where I would live. I told him everything. Then I told him that I wouldn't leave unless it was amicable. He would have a say in our future, this was not something I would blindside him with. I then tried to tell him how to fight for me. That he wasn't allowed to let me go. All he had to do was give me permission to go and I would. The next morning he called my therapist and got us into an 'emergency' session. Two days later I started to really flip out.

It was like, now that I finally admitted that I had a problem, my mind let lose. I struggled to be in public, I felt like everyone was watching and judging me. I couldn't even Christmas shop, the mall was like torture. I stopped eating, I couldn't sleep. I lost six pounds in 5 days. The only way I could hold myself together was with smoking. After quiting for almost five years I started again. One night we went out to eat, (I would try to eat anything that sounded good) I flipped out. I couldn't put more than four words together, I couldn't think any thing coherent. In the car on the way home I couldn't control my tone or my pitch in my voice. I was seriously flipping out. I started my antidepressants that night. At my next therapy appointment I was told that I was probably a day away from being admitted to a mental hospital. If my therapist had seen me like that she would have admitted me herself.

I am doing better now. Ive learned that my instinct to leave Tony was not completely about Tony or our marriage, but rather about running. I wanted to run away. Tony and I still have problems and we still go to therapy together and I go alone. I am working through my issues. I am learning about my depression, I am accepting that I have a problem but it is not something that I can't handle. I want to get better, I want to be happy. My drugs are working...

I still fear the future and I am learning to live in the now, to feel my feelings, not to stuff them to the back of my mind. I am learning that I can talk about it with people and that I am not alone. I don't feel the need to run. I am learning that I have a long road ahead of me. A road that I don't have to walk alone. Tony won't give me permission to leave. He is fighting for me. For me to get better just as hard as I am.

I am getting better, slowly.

music

I missed music. I hadn't realized that my recent deep depression had me pushing it from my life. I forgot how music can move me. How it reminds me of my past - both good and bad memories. How it can lift my spirit. It can take me back years, decades even. It brings back feelings and smells, even the weather. Music is one of the things that helps me connect to my past.

I guess you could say that I had been avoiding it recently. I wasn't listening to my ipod at all. I wasn't seeking new music, I wasn't finding any connection. Since starting on my antidepressants I have rediscovered my music. I used to sing in the car, in the shower, while cooking. That is all starting to come back to me. My ipod is always with me now, I'm reconnecting. It helps me reconnect to me, to help me feel my feelings. I can better express what I am feeling when I find a lyric that describes my mood. The lyrics help me put words to my sometimes word-less feelings.

I think that with music back in my life and the right prescription I can find my way back to me.

I have a very eclectic taste in music. Some of the artists I like are:
First and foremost Matchbox Twenty and Rob Thomas. Matchbox got me through some tough times in my life. I first found them when my dad was dying.
Sarah Bareilles
When I was in 5th grade Bette Midler was better than sliced bread.
Daughtry
In high school - The Goo Goo Dolls
Alanis Morissette
Britney Spears - when I want to feel dirty
Buck Cherry
Celine Dion
Creed
Dixie Chicks
Domestic Problems - only one song really, 'Untitled' - the accoustic version
Jewel
Led Zeppelin
Madonna
Maroon 5
Norah Jones
Pop Evil
Queen
Tori Amos
and some country here and there

I also like musicals and soundtracks
Chicago
Moulin Rouge
The Phantom of the Opera
The Mission - only when I feel strong enough, it reminds me of my dad, often there is just too much emotion to listen to it.

What is your favorite music?

Because All The Cool Kids Are Doing It

Ive joined the Twitter band wagon... check me out at www.twitter.com/StacieRae

People Watching

So, I'm at my favorite coffee shop waiting for my friend to arrive and dinkin' around on my laptop and there's this guy that I can't stop watching. He's on his laptop and every now and then he starts to giggle to himself, trying not to be loud but I can hear him over my headphones. Minutes later he looks pissed, swearing to himself and everything. He then continues to read whatever it is that he is looking at...he is totally a mouth reader. I can practically read his lips.

Later, after Patti and I had been playing cards for a while the chess 'club' comes in. Its not an uncommon thing here. There is even a sign on the door that says "all chess games must be completed an hour before close". Two guys come in and sit a table next to us. They are playing chess with a 'Muppet's' themed set. A few minutes later there are probably 10 guys hanging out around two other tables watching and playing in a tournament fashion. They are kind of rowdy. Yelling moves at each other and cheering others on. It was interesting to me that they completely ignored the guys playing with the 'Muppet' set. The spectators were surrounding their table watching the two other games going on around them. These 10 other guys didn't even glance at the 'Muppet' players... I found this interesting.

Watching people reminds me of my dad. Any crowded place he would constantly be watching people. I love watching my dad watch others. I remember going to Cedar Point when I was younger. He would be able to tell the dynamic of the group he was watching. Things like, "they're newly weds", or "he's trying to get his step-son to like him more, its not working". Occasionally he would make small talk with the people in line with us, the sometimes 2 hour line for a 2 minute roller coaster ride. Assuring the kids around us that there is nothing to fear about this "awesome ride" even he'd never ridden it himself. I guess you could say that through this he taught me to be a better observer. I could sit and watch people for hours. I enjoy it. I enjoy watching the people around me in crowded places. My favorite places are at out side concerts, amusement parks, and the 4th of July carnival. It's amazing the things people do when they think no one is watching or the things they say when they think no one is listening is fascinating.

My dad died when I was 15, a freshman in high school. I miss him the most when I realize I am doing things he 'accidentally' taught me.

Thanks Dad for teaching me to be a better observer and therefore a better listener. I miss you, I love you.